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This is the eleventh of twelve chapters. To really understand it, you should read the previous chapters before reading this one. Once again, I want to thank my editor Terry for his valuable help! I hope you enjoy the story.
Despite the light traffic, Bridget felt impatient as she weaved her way down the street. Even when only one car was in front of her, she changed lanes so that she could get by it. She hadn’t seen Sian in close to two weeks. Her trip to Hawaii was nine days long, leaving on a Friday after work and getting home late a couple of days ago on Sunday. Between getting unpacked and catching up at work, she hadn’t been able to get over to see her in the meantime.
On top of that, Bridget had felt bound to Don’s request to not contact Sian while she was gone. For the first two days, it had been exceptionally hard for her. Bridget was used to multiple contacts a day with Sian, whether it was in person, on the phone or just texts. Going cold turkey had been very hard. At times she just wanted to share something that happened with one of the two most important people in her life. But it was to make the other important person happy that Bridget restrained herself. More than once, she started to say how Sian might like this before she cut it off and turned what she was going to say into something else. She slipped up a couple of times, but she thought Don appreciated her effort.
After a couple of days, it got easier. Bridget found that she could just immerse herself in the surroundings and being with Don. She had fun as they explored the Big Island. There was so much to see and do. It was clear that Don enjoyed having all of Bridget’s attention to himself. Whether it was trips into the forests or walks along the beach, Don did what he could to pack the week full of romantic activities.
The best part was that they didn’t argue once during the trip. Don’s view was that they had done a lot to patch things up and help rebuild their relationship. Not only was the time harmonious, he was happy that they had ended up making love a lot. Bridget seemed receptive to his advances and almost every time he hinted at it, she had responded.
While Bridget was glad that they hadn’t argued, she wasn’t as certain that things had dramatically improved. In her mind, she had given in a lot to avoid any conflicts. Even when she didn’t really want to do something, she didn’t let Don know. As the week wore on, she found the constant pace of the next romantic activity to start to be draining. And while she enjoyed making love with Don, it started to feel more like he was trying to put his claim on her rather than it being a true expression of their feelings.
It wasn’t like always like that. There were certain times when it seemed spontaneous and she was in the right mood to respond. Those times were the special ones that stuck in her mind. The problem was that Don couldn’t seem to tell the difference between those times and when it was more forced. Nor did it seem like he cared. He gave the impression of being just as satisfied either way. What seemed most important was that they had connected physically, not whether they connected emotionally. That was the most disappointing part of it all for Bridget.
The closest that they came to arguing was when Don brought up fantasies. It was the first time he had mentioned them in a while. He started to suggest that perhaps they could go to a nudist beach he had heard of and maybe get amorous there. It felt like he was opening up a wound that was still raw to Bridget. She shut him down. For a moment, she thought he was going to get pissed but then the anger seemed to just wash away. He apologized and told her how much he was just enjoying being with her. That night she almost told him no when he started to stroke her back, but it felt like she would be punishing him. It would have put a sour note on their last couple of days.
As she waited for the light to turn, Bridget thought back on those last couple of days, especially after Don’s suggestion. It hadn’t been so clear when she was in Hawaii but now she could see that she stopped really enjoying herself at that point. She must have hidden it fairly well because Don hadn’t said a thing. But increasingly she could see that she was getting impatient to get home. Mostly it was missing Sian, but some of it was how Don was acting. He never seemed to recognize that she was doing everything she could to make him happy, even when sometimes it wasn’t what she wanted. Bridget didn’t mind doing the things so much as his not appreciating it.
It was so different from Sian, thought Bridget.
Turning onto Sian’s street, Bridget had to fight to avoid speeding. It wasn’t going to make a difference and getting a ticket would just delay the reunion. They had talked a couple of times since she was back and of course texted, but Sian seemed a little distant. It was as if she wasn’t as anxious as Bridget to get together. When Bridget apologized for not being able to get together yesterday, Sian had just said it was fine. Bridget had been profoundly bursa escort disappointed that she was too busy unpacking to be able to meet her. Sian’s reaction made her a little nervous.
Even when they had gotten together that last time before her trip, Sian had seemed a little distant. It wasn’t like her. They hadn’t even spent as long together as Bridget expected. After dinner, they had hung out for an hour or so but then Sian started to feel tired. Because of an all employee meeting the next morning, she was going to have to get up earlier than usual and she wanted to get to bed before it got too late. Even though Sian had responded passionately when Bridget initiated making out with her before getting ready to leave, the whole night had left Bridget unsettled. Both at the beginning and the end of her vacation, Bridget kept thinking back to that night which just made her want to see Sian even more.
Pulling up in front of Sian’s apartment, Bridget parked and checked the mirror. She wanted to look perfect for Sian. The time in the sun had given her skin a healthy copper color, despite her persistent application of sunscreen. It had also lightened her hair just a little. Bridget smiled nervously, hoping that Sian would like it. Reaching back, she picked up the gift she brought back for Sian. Bridget had put a lot of thought into finding something perfect for Sian.
As she got out, Bridget felt the cold and wet air hit her. It was quite a switch from being in the constant warmth of Hawaii. She sprinted her way to the building, wanting to get inside before she got too wet. Waiting for the elevator, she checked her hair one last time. It was barely damp, she thankfully noticed. Once again she felt impatience as the elevator stopped a couple of times on its way down. She waited for the people to get out of it, but was glad when no one else got into the elevator. It went up to Sian’s floor without any further delays. She could feel her heart beat faster as she exited the elevator and walked down to Sian’s apartment. Taking a deep breath to try and calm down, Bridget knocked.
It only took a few seconds before she heard the bolt being undone and it opened. As soon as she saw Sian, Bridget stepped in and gave her a long hug. It felt so good to feel Sian’s arms going around her and hugging her tight in return. Even before the door was shut, Bridget was giving her girlfriend the first kiss.
“Oh God, I missed you Sian. You can’t know how much I missed you,” Bridget said. Her voice was full of excitement and happiness.
Keep an arm around Bridget, Sian returned the smile. “I think I have a little idea,” she said. Her voice wasn’t quite as enthusiastic although her smile was warm. They slowly walked over to the kitchen where Sian had an open bottle of wine. It looked like she might have already had one glass. She poured one for Bridget and then refilled her glass.
“To your having had a wonderful vacation,” Sian said as she touched her glass to Bridget’s.
With a smile on her face, Bridget touched Sian’s glass a second time. “To being home with you,” she said in that same happy tone. They both sipped at their wine for a moment. As if she couldn’t help herself, Bridget put her glass down and gave Sian another long hug.
“I love you, my darling Sian,” Bridget said as she looked at Sian. Her eyes reflected her happiness.
“I love you too, Bridge,” Sian said but unlike Bridget her eyes seemed clouded.
For the first time since entering the apartment, Bridget’s nervousness came back in full force. She felt her breath catch in her throat. “Oh God, something’s wrong,” Bridget thought to herself.
Over their months together, Sian had become pretty good at reading Bridget. It didn’t seem that hard to Sian. She could see the panic starting to cover her face. “Sit down, Baby,” she told Bridget. Sian knew that wasn’t going to reassure her much, but it was the best she could do. Bridget sank down onto the little bar chair next to the kitchen island. The golden glow of her skin slowly was replaced with grey.
“What’s wrong, Sian?” Bridget said. Her voice was tight and she could feel her throat almost closing.
Sian sat down in the chair on the corner next to Bridget. She reached over and took Bridget’s hand. “Bridge, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Please believe me.” Sian could feel the threat of tears hovering over her. She tried to keep her control, swallowing hard. “But while you were gone, it gave me time to think. And here is the thing; I’m not sure that loving you is the same as being happy anymore. If it was just you and me, then it would be. But it isn’t just the two of us. There is Don too. And I have to share you with him.”
“I thought I could do it. I thought I could live with half of you. But I was wrong,” Sian said as she felt the tears start. “Oh fuck!” she exclaimed and wiped at her eyes. She looked up at Bridget and could see the tears beginning to run down her face as well. “Fuck,” she said again more quietly.
“Sian,” Bridget said, trying to say bursa escort bayan something but she found she couldn’t continue. Her tears were rapidly becoming sobs. She felt Sian moving closer to her and then Sian’s arms going around her. “What … what are you … saying?” she finally managed to get out.
For a little while, Sian couldn’t answer as she held on tight to Bridget. When she was finally able to talk, she raised up her head from Bridget’s shoulder. “Bridge, I just can’t take the unhappiness of not having you all the time any more. It’s been getting worse but I didn’t see it for what it was. Not until you were gone and I had time to think.”
Reaching up, Sian ran her fingers through her hair to pull it away from her tear streaked face. “We’ve always been honest with each other. I couldn’t not tell you and pretend that things were okay,” she said.
Bridget nodded. “No, I don’t want you unhappy, especially if I am why.”
“You aren’t why, Bridge. It’s just the situation. You make me happy. Not having you makes me unhappy,” Sian said vehemently. “Don’t confuse those, please.” She sniffled, trying to stop her nose from running. Giving up she let go of Bridget and walked over to bring back a box of tissues. Bridget joined her in grabbing a couple.
“Love, I can’t ask for more than you have given me,” Sian said. She reached out and took Bridget’s hand. “I know you are married and that you still love Don. I…” she paused as she felt a shuddering sob run through her. After a moment Sian continued. “I don’t want to break up your marriage.”
“Oh God, Sian. I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much.” Bridget closed her eyes as the tears streamed down her face. Feeling Sian’s hand stroke her cheek, she opened them back up to look at her through the blurriness from the tears.
“Baby, I don’t want to lose you either but I can’t ask you to leave Don. You still love him,” Sian quietly said through her tears.
Bridget didn’t want to answer. Despite increasingly mixed feelings about Don, Sian wasn’t wrong. Her feelings for Don ran deep, built on years of being together. She could see Sian watching her and knew that she could see right through to her thoughts. Finally, Bridget nodded. “I do, but I love you too.”
“I know you do, Baby. Believe me; this isn’t me doubting your love,” Sian said. The despair she felt was just as clear to Bridget.
“I don’t understand,” Bridget said as her eyes gazed deeply into Sian’s. “Why can’t you ask me to leave Don? Haven’t you been waiting for me to do just that?” Maybe if Sian would just ask, Bridget thought, it would make it easier.
Letting out a long sobbing sigh, Sian shook her head. “I thought I could wait until you were ready to make a decision on your own. But I don’t want to force you to make it. If you ever leave Don, it has to be something you do for yourself, not for me; not to keep me. I don’t think that is how we want to build a relationship.” She brushed the hair away from where it was stuck to Bridget’s wet face. “Bridge, it isn’t just Don. I don’t think you are ready to confront your family, especially your mother. You aren’t ready to come out, Baby.”
Bridget heard the implication in Sian’s words. That she was, deep down, really a lesbian. That being with Don was as much about conforming to the expectations of her mother as it was anything else. She lowered her eyes, unable to meet Sian’s. She missed the pain in Sian’s eyes as she saw Bridget’s surrender.
With her head hanging, it was hard for Sian to hear what Bridget was saying. She leaned closer. Finally Sian heard her.
“And you need me to be all in.”
At first Sian just nodded but then realizing that Bridget wasn’t looking at her, she spoke. “Yes, Bridget. I’m completely in this relationship without reservations, but you’re not. Even though the thought of losing you hurts me so much, it will get better. Over time, I will stop hurting. But as long as you aren’t all in, I will keep hurting if we keep going this way. And it will just get worse. It will destroy what we have anyhow.”
Raising her head up, Bridget looked miserable. “Did Kate convince you to do this?” she asked in a dead tone.
Once again, Sian reached out to stroke Bridget’s face. “No, Baby. She didn’t. She talked to me and helped me sort through things like a best friend should. But she knows that it was something I needed to decide. This is my …” Sian was overcome with a long sob and couldn’t continue.
“It’s your choice,” Bridget finished for her. She put her arms around Sian and hugged her tight. She could feel Sian’s head nodding against her own. Even through her agony, she felt a little better as Sian returned the hug. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other.
Finally Bridget kissed Sian on the cheek. She sighed deeply before speaking. “You’re right. I hate that you are, but it doesn’t change things. I’m not ready. I love you both, but I’ve been with Don for a long time. I’ve built a life with him. I can’t walk away from that. Not now.” There was a tiny escort bursa corner of her brain that added, “Not yet.” But Bridget wasn’t ready to acknowledge it.
Slowly pulling away from Bridget, Sian nodded. “I know,” she said as she wiped her tears away. They were still coming but slower now, a deep grief. “I told you at the beginning, Bridge. Two hearts were going to be broken at some point; yours for sure. It turns out mine is the other one.” She stifled another sob.
“I’m glad we took the chance, Bridge. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world,” she continued.
Sitting up straighter, Bridget took Sian’s hands in hers. She held them like she never wanted to let them go. With her gaze fixed on them, she spoke. “What happens now?” Slowly she looked up into Sian’s face. “I was so looking forward to finally getting an evening with you.”
Looking into Bridget’s stricken face, Sian felt her heart breaking all over. She had never loved anyone like this and yet she was hurting that same person. In spite of knowing that this was what she needed to do, Sian could feel her resolve slipping a little. Sian squeezed Bridget’s hands back.
“I don’t know about tomorrow Bridge, but tonight I would very much like to hold you in my arms,” Sian replied. “We can worry about what happens next later.” Sian stood, still holding Bridget’s hands. After a moment, Bridget got to her feet too. They walked hand in hand over to the sofa. Laying down on it, Sian had one leg stretched out. She tugged lightly on Bridget’s hands. It didn’t take much for Bridget to sit down, leaning her back against Sian’s belly. As she felt Sian’s arms wrap around her, Bridget began to gently cry again. Sian put her head against Bridget’s and began to slowly rock her.
“I’m sorry, Bridge. I don’t know what else to do,” Sian whispered.
“I know, my darling Sian. I know,” Bridget said through her tears.
For a long time they both just lay together like that. Sian gently rocked Bridget in her arms as they both wept. Occasionally Sian kissed Bridget’s head lightly. Bridget would close her eyes tight as she felt Sian’s lips touch her. A couple of times, Bridget turned to find Sian’s lips touching hers and a softly slow kiss followed. Each time Bridget felt the imminent loss more keenly and after the second kiss, she thought that she couldn’t bear another and didn’t do it again.
In Sian’s gentle arms, Bridget thought about her life. She wasn’t sure how she could go on without Sian. The thought of it hurt so much. Yes, Don would try to help her but there was a place in her heart that he couldn’t fill. She tried to imagine the other way, leaving Don. That would hurt too. But it was more than just him. Accepting this side of herself meant risking her whole family. She knew how her mother would react but Bridget thought it would be more than that. Would her whole family reject her? She just didn’t know. Her mother was the most extreme, but what if they all turned their back on her. The thought of that was overwhelming. Combined with losing Don, it meant the end of everything that had defined her life up to now.
“I just don’t have the courage to do it,” Bridget thought to herself. Just admitting that caused her to start sobbing again. She felt Sian’s arms tighten around her. Even that little action meant to help caused conflict. Bridget longed to give into the reassurance Sian was offering but at the same time, it was a reminder of what she was going to be losing. She took in a long shuddering breath. Trying to stop her crying, Bridget found it impossible. She put her arms over Sian’s and squeezed. It was important that she let Sian know how much she appreciated the comfort Sian was trying to give; even if she wasn’t finding any comfort in it.
Bridget wasn’t sure when she stopped crying but at some point she realized that she had. Twisting so that she could see Sian’s face, she looked into Sian’s eyes. Even if it started her crying again, Bridget needed to say something to her. “I’m sorry, Sian. I’m so sorry.” Bridget’s voice was very soft and Sian could hear how close she was to losing it again.
“Don’t be, Bridge. I understand,” Sian replied as her fingertips lightly ran over Bridget’s cheeks. She could feel the rough skin, irritated by the constant stream of tears. Bridget’s eyes closed tight as she tried to stop any more. Turning away, she rested her head again against Sian’s chest.
All the crying had left Bridget feeling exhausted. As she lay there, the rise and fall of Sian’s chest and the sound of her breathing began to lull her to sleep. Even though she longed to surrender to it, Bridget knew it would be the wrong thing to do. It might give her a little while longer with Sian, but it just made it harder for Sian to do what she had to. Finally Bridget sat up and swung her feet down onto the floor.
“I should go,” Bridget said without looking over at her. She felt Sian’s hand reach out and stroke her back. As much as she wanted to lean into it, she didn’t. She sat like that for a few moments and then she stood up. Trying not to think about how they had just had their last intimate moment, she walked over to where her coat was hanging and began to put it on. Behind her she could hear Sian getting up. Picking up her purse, Bridget turned to face her.
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