Sex Fantasy TV, A Play (Sixth stab at humor)

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Sex Fantasy TV, A Play

Scene 1: A television studio set sometime in the future. Three couples are seated in front of the main TV camera. The show’s host is standing in front of them with a stage behind the host. On the stage are prizes for the contestants. A studio audience is observing the goings on.

Peter Long: Sharply dressed middle-aged man. He is the host of the show.
Debbie: Shapely, young woman in a sequined dress. She points to the prizes on the stage.
The Announcer: Deep male voice, never seen on the set.
Man 1, Richard Foster: A late twenties man with wavy dark brown hair. He is casually dressed.
Woman 1, Robin Foster: An attractive woman in her twenties, she is Richard’s wife. She has long blonde hair and is sharply dressed.
Man 2, Sam Hirsche: A man in his early thirties with blonde thinning hair.
Woman 2, Rita Hirsche: A woman in her early thirties, nicely dressed. She is Sam’s wife.
Man 3, Gordon Hobbs: A man approximately thirty, dressed in a sweater and dress slacks. He has red hair.
Woman 3, Irene Hobbs: A woman, also about thirty with brown curly hair. She is Gordon’s wife.

Act 1, Scene 1:
(Camera focuses on Peter, the host.)

Peter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sex Fantasy TV Edition of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Peter Long broadcasting from Studio One in Sex Fantasy Land. The show where couples find out how much they really know about each other. Before we begin, our announcer will tell you about the lovely prizes we have for our lucky couples here tonight.

(The camera pans to the stage where Debbie is standing next to a table full of assorted sex toys and pointing.)

Announcer: For the ladies, we have a lovely collection of assorted dildos and vibrators from Acme Vibrator. There is the ten inch dildo for when you had a really rough day at the office, there is the seven inch for when you had a fight with your husband and another in lovely Day-Glo green for an interesting strobe like effect. There is also an assortment gaziantep travesti of vibrators in various sizes and colors. Comes complete with a quart of synthetic lube, leather attach?arry case, two packs of Duracell Energizers and a 12-volt car adapter. Remember, when the husbands away the wife will play. From Acme Vibrator, the first name in adult toys since 1986.

(The camera pans to the next table where Debbie is now pointing to a full-size inflatable doll)

Announcer: And for the gentlemen, from American Inflatables we have the Deluxe Inflatable Love Slave. The Inflatable Love Slave features a working mouth and life-like vibrating pussy. Features a built in MP3 player pre-programmed with such lines as “Take me now Big Daddy”, “I need you so bad”, “That feels good”, “Oh God you’re so big” and 122 other lines women feed men. Comes complete with carry case, lube, French maid outfit, two wigs and a quart of cleaning solution. From American Inflatables, the first name in inflatable dolls.

(The camera pans back to Peter, the host of the show.)

Peter: OK, I think you know how this show works. We asked each of the ladies a question backstage. We will now ask the gentlemen that same question. If you get the correct answer, which matches what your wife said, you will win the prizes. Are you ready to play?

Couples: Oh yes.

Peter: Great. The first question is for Richard. We asked your wife Robin if she has ever had an orgasm. Has your wife ever had an orgasm? Richard.

(Camera pans to Richard.)

Richard (Grinning): Of course, every night.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)

Peter: I’m sorry Richard that is not what your wife said. She said she has never had an orgasm, at least not with you. She says you couldn’t make a hungry tiger come with a pound of chop meat.

(Camera pans to Richard and Robin.)

Richard (Turning to his wife.): Baby, what do you mean? You have one every time we make love.

Robin: Are you really that dumb? You can’t tell I’m faking it? I was looking at my watch last night. You know 31 seconds just ain’t gonna do it.

Richard: But the moans, the screams?

Robin: I was screaming for it to end you moron.

(Camera pans to Peter, the host.)

Peter: Uh, uh hum. The next question is for Sam. Sam, we asked your wife if she has been faithful. Has your wife been faithful? Sam.

(Camera pans to Sam and Rita.)

Sam (Smiling.): Of course. We have only been married a month.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)

Peter: I’m sorry Sam, that is not how your wife answered.

Sam: Rita, Darling, this can’t be true. Who is this worthless bastard anyway? I’ll kill him.

Rita: John.

Sam: John? My brother John? That motherfucker, I’ll kill him!

Rita: Look, if you were home once in a while and not at the bar every night!

(Camera pans back to Peter, the host.)

Peter: OK people, you can fight it out when you get home. The next question is for Gordon. Gordon, we asked Irene if she thought you had a large penis. Does your wife think you have a large penis? Gordon.

(Camera pans to Gordon and Irene.)

Gordon (Smiling): Of course. I know Irene thinks I’m hung like a horse.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds)

Peter: I’m sorry Gordon, that is not what Irene said.

Gordon: Irene, what’s up? You always tell me it is so big?

Irene: That’s just so you don’t start crying like a little baby.

Gordon: What?

Irene: Look, all your friends have bigger cocks. Every one of them. Joe, George, Henry, Bud, Nat, Harvey, Alan, Bob, they’re all bigger.

Gordon: Harvey?

Irene: They are all bigger, Gordon. Deal with it.

(Camera pans back to Peter, the host.)

Peter: OK, that ends round one. Now we go on to round two where we ask the wives questions and see how well they know their husbands. The first question is for Robin. Robin, we asked Richard if he thinks about you during lovemaking. Does your husband think about you during lovemaking? Robin.

(Camera pans to Richard and Robin.)

Robin: Why, of course. My Richard always thinks about me.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)

Peter: I’m sorry Robin, that is not what Richard said.

Robin: What? You sick bastard, wait till we get home. You’ll be thinking about your right hand from now on.

Richard: Baby, it happened maybe once or twice.

Robin: Maybe your hand won’t mind you being a 30-second man.

Richard: I’m sorry Baby, really.

Robin: You’re sorry alright. The sorriest guy I ever met.

(Camera pans back to Peter, the host.)

Peter: Moving right along, our next question is for Rita. Rita, we asked Sam if he thought you had a big butt. Does your husband think you have a big butt? Rita?

(Camera pans to Sam and Rita.)

Rita (Smiling.): Of course not. My husband loves my butt.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)

Rita: What? You always say I have a fine butt, you good for nothing loser.

Sam: I just figured that’s what you wanted to hear.

Rita: Yea, well you’ll be hearing the door slam as I walk out later.

Sam: Good. I hope you and my good-for-nothing brother are very happy together.

(Camera pans back to Peter, the host.)

Peter: OK, moving right along. This next question is for Irene. Irene, we asked Gordon if he ever looks at other women. Does Gordon look at other women? Irene?

(Camera pans to Gordon and Irene.)

Irene (Smiling.): Of course not, my Gordon only has eyes for me.

BZZZZZZ (A buzzer sounds.)

Irene: What! You worthless piece of shit, you!

Gordon: I’m sorry Sugar, but your friend Betty doesn’t seem to think my cock is so small.

Irene: Well, I hope you two losers are very happy together.

Gordon: I think we will be.

(Camera pans back to Peter, the host as the couples start to fight.)

Peter: Well that’s our show for tonight. Thanks for watching the Sex Fantasy TV Edition of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Peter Long until next time. Stay tuned for Sex Fantasy TV Edition of Divorce Court on this same station. That’s all for now. Later.


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